Seminar by Dr. Gregory Keck
September 11, 2004
FTIA was pleased to be able to present our mid-Western families with the opportunity to hear Dr. Gregory Keck make a presentation on "Parenting to Promote Attachment" on Saturday, September 11th in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. Keck, coauthor of Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child is a licensed psychologist and social worker. He founded the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio which is internationally recognized for training regarding attachment and bonding issues, treatment, and practical options to aid parents in adoption. And, he is an adoptive parent . . . He drew upon both his professional and personal experiences while presenting to FTIA families.
Dr. Keck began by explaining the attachment cycle. As shown to the right when needs are met, trust develops. Children who have lived in institutions or who have moved multiple times have suffered a break in this attachment cycle and therefore have learned not to trust the adults around them. The good news is that with proper care these children can learn to trust adults again.
While Dr. Keck listed the following as possible symptoms of attachment disorders, he was careful to explain that one or two of these symptoms on their own may need to be addressed, but would not necessarily be indicative of a disorder.
- Avoidance of eye contact
- Persistent nonsense questions
- Inappropriate demanding or clingy behavior
- Lying about things that are obvious
- Stealing
- Abnormal eating patterns
- No impulse controls
- Preoccupation with fire
- Lack of conscience
- Lack of cause & effect thinking
- Lags in learning
- Cruelty to animals*
* If children are exhibiting tendencies to be cruel to animals - other than insects, this is symptomatic of a much larger problem and Dr. Keck advised that parents should seek professional help.
Dr. Keck's wealth of experience and humorous presentation style provided all of us with practical advice on parenting. At times the audience was laughing out loud at his somewhat irreverent stories, while at other moments, people were thoughtfully contemplating the perspectives he imparted. The following are just a handful of his "nuggets".
- Have fun as a parent - even when it is more challenging. Don't take things too seriously. Do to them what they are doing to you. If they are stealing things from you, take something from their room. Don't let them know you took it. Be sympathetic - talk to them about how awful it is that someone would take something from them. They will get the message. Come up with creative ways to let your child know that they are doing something they shouldn't.
- Let children learn from natural consequences. When you have told them not to taunt the dog hundreds of times, then the dog bites them, just take care of the wound without commenting on what they did wrong - they know. Do not express "I told you sos" - even if you use other words. The natural consequences are far more powerful than the words could ever be.
- Prescribe the behavior they are exhibiting. If a child is having a tantrum, instruct them to yell louder or kick harder. This is confusing behavior from a parent if the child thinks about it. If they follow your directions, they are complying and if they don't, you get what you want.
- Choose your battles carefully - you need to be able to win. Don't force children to eat particular things - i.e. brussel sprouts. This is something that they are going to control. Requiring them to eat a vegetable is fine, but give them a choice of something that they will find acceptable. Think of how an adult friend would react if you forced them to "just have a little" of some food that they dislike.
- It's fine to give children choices if there are a couple of choices and if you are OK with either choice they make. Don't ask, "Do you want to do your homework now or never?" This is a challenge to fail rather than a real choice to succeed. An alternative could be, "Do you want to do your homework now or after dinner?"
- Touch is very important to establishing trust and attachment. Even if the child is not initially comfortable being touched, it is important to model the behavior and be gradual, but consistent in establishing routines that include positive touch. When answering a question, touching a child on the arm or shoulder can provide comfort in a non-threatening way.
- Validate a child's feelings based on loss even if they are not rational. It is important for children to know that the adults in their life respect the feelings that they have. A child who has had multiple transitions can continue to fear "losing" their adoptive family even after being with them for years. It is important to reassure the child in this situation, but also to acknowledge that their fear is based on their past experiences.
If you missed this seminar, hopefully this article gave you an idea of his focus. However, given Dr. Keck's dynamic presentation, I would sincerely recommend that you attend one of his seminars in the future if given the opportunity.
Written by Brenda Raymond-Ball
Ohio Administrator
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