China
Guatemala
Russia
Vietnam
Brazil
India
Fertility or parenting - which is more important? Once you can answer that question honestly, you can enter the maze of adoption with an open mind and an open heart. Believe it or not, that was an easy question for my husband and I to answer after our soul-searching, which is how we came to be the parents our two beautiful daughters, Casey and Megan.
Once your heart is open to adoption, you find that there are many more questions you have to ask yourself. Domestic or foreign adoption? Open or closed? Which country? Infant or older child? And so many more!
For every question you find an answer to, you will generate a dozen new questions—not to worry though, if you are committed, there are ways to find answers to all of your questions. Perhaps one of the most important questions, one that will shape your entire adoption journey, is that of which agency to work with. I can't tell you that there is any science to finding the answer, just talk to a lot of people and find someone that you make a connection with. These people will be your lifeline for the following many months, the link between you and your future child.
Once we had decided on Families Thru International Adoption, the journey (or in our case, journeys) began. We chose China for our first adoption for many reasons including the availability of healthy infants and the good reputation of the Chinese Adoption Programs.
Beginning the collection of documents proved to be a nightmare for us. I am an American Citizen, my husband is a British Citizen and we were living in Bermuda. Not only did I have U.S. red tape to deal with, but also I found myself wheeling and dealing with the Bermuda and British authorities. Nothing was easy for our dossier. Everything had to go through an extra step because of our circumstances —but nonetheless, we muddled through. I found an excellent contact at U.S. Immigration (yes it is possible!), a social worker who traveled to Bermuda to do our home study, and a never-ending helping hand at FTIA who walked me through all of the steps. What should take people about 3 or 4 months to complete, took us 8, but suddenly, in September 1997, our dossier was complete and we were ready to go—only the rest of the adoption treadmill was not ready to let us go.
The wait began—and went on and on and on. One of the reasons I am so glad that I chose FTIA as our agency was that they did not give out false hopes, nor provide unrealistic time frames. They told things as they were—which wasn't always what I wanted to hear, but helped me to understand the wheels of adoption. They helped me wait with updates, information, and a friendly shoulder to cry on if needed. And in May 1998, Tina (who had been receiving daily calls from me at this point) called me with the wonderful news that we were to be the parents of a little girl named Du Yan Hong, who was born on November 19, 1997! I can never describe to anyone exactly what I felt at that moment—my heart had never felt so full—and I had not even seen a picture of our little one. From that very instant, I knew without hesitation, that I was ready to be a mom—and I couldn't wait to get started. But wait again—we must—and we did...
We now had to wait for the Chinese Authorities to give us permission to travel—why I thought—they had already "matched" us with our child—why must we wait again? One of the very important lessons you will learn as you travel through adoption, is that questioning why foreign government authorities (or our own for that matter) do certain things is futile—they will do what they want, when they want and how they want, and we must learn to accept things as they are. As frustrating as it becomes, it is all part of becoming parents through adoption—and is all worth it in the end.
After 8 torturous weeks of waiting, we boarded the plane bound for Beijing and were a monumental step closer to our daughter, who we had decided to call Casey Jean. We had three whirlwind days of sightseeing in Beijing, before heading to Changsha in the Hunan Province. Upon our arrival in our hotel in Changsha we were told to assemble in the lobby in one hour, and we would be off to meet our girls. We traveled by bus to a government office, where 6 couples, who have now become lifelong friends, waited in absolute silence. A baby's cry was heard in the distance, and with that sound we all knew that our lives would never be the same again. Three women from the orphanage entered the room, each carrying two beautiful baby girls. They called us out by a pre-assigned number and as my husband had his ever trusty video camera rolling, I accepted the most beautiful little girl into my arms, and into my heart forever. It may sound cliché, but Casey actually looked up at me, and flashed the most amazing smile, it was if she knew I was to be her mommy!
At eight months of age, Casey was tiny and frail, but was ready to start thriving immediately. We witnessed a series of firsts (first tooth, first rollover, etc.) in the very short time we were in China, and she continued to grow and thrive at a miraculous pace once we were home. We were very lucky; bonding for us and for Casey was immediate. I was prepared for that not to be the case and had mastered the art of patience during my wait for Casey, but we did not have to exercise that patience as she entered the relationship with as much love and enthusiasm as we did.
Our remaining time in China was full of wonderful memories, lots of red tape, including a not-so-wonderful experience at the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou, and wonderful, uninterrupted time with our new daughter. The trip was so well organized by FTIA, from travel and the staff in China to answering my anxious calls in the middle of the night from the US Consulate—as I outlined earlier, it is so important to feel you have an advocate in your agency!
The following months we were busy watching our child flourish before our eyes, and not even fathoming life before her. She filled our home with so much joy and love and we felt blessed every day that she had come to enrich our family. It wasn't long before we started discussing a sibling for Casey. Once again, all the questions about where, how, etc. surfaced. This time it was easy for me—I just picked up the phone and called Keith at FTIA and started firing questions—I wanted a lesser waiting time, an easier dossier, and we were committed to an Asian adoption. Keith talked about the Vietnam Program vs. the China Program—the pros and cons of both—at that point in time Vietnam was a bit faster and paperwork was quite a bit less entailed. Onward—we decided we would enter the Vietnam Program.
Once that decision was made, and we jumped back on the rollercoaster again—I was excited and optimistic about a smooth road ahead of us. I had my days busy with Casey and my work, and felt I understand the inner workings of adoption so well, that our second time around would be a walk in the park. This couldn't have been further from the truth—we were anything but a textbook case!
The early days of this journey were just as I had expected—our social worker made another trip to Bermuda to update our home study, and I re-entered the now familiar process of document gathering. From experience, I knew the right people to call, and the right things to say to help expedite our cause. About 5 months after the submission of our completed dossier and INS approval, I received a call from our Vietnam Coordinator Megan (who later in this process became my lifeline, my cheerleader and my friend!) with a referral of a baby boy, born on July 4, 1999! Once again, the feeling of elation and emotion filled our family and we couldn't wait to meet the little boy we would call Liam.
The wheels of the adoption machine in Vietnam then came to a grinding halt. Internal investigation throughout various government agencies within the province we were dealing with in Vietnam mandated that no adoptions proceed until the investigations were complete. These investigations were precipitated because of illegal and unethical practices discovered in another province. From September 1999 to March 2000 we were on an emotional rollercoaster, with hopes of traveling 'any day now'—but always finding out that the wait would be a bit longer. Once you have been through an international adoption you will understand, that as hard as it is to believe—you actually do become a parent in your heart to this new little one as soon as you accept a referral. Because of this, the waiting was agony. I felt it was unjust that I was being kept from our son and wanted to blame someone. Unfortunately, there was no one to blame and no one who could have changed the situation or eased the pain of waiting.
Sadly, when the time was getting closer to actually travel, we received the call from FTIA that the investigation was now finished and it had established all adoptions in this province are proper, but that our little Liam was no longer available for adoption. His birth mother had regained custody of him and was ready to raise him. How could this be—he was our son—this is why we chose international adoption because these types of things weren't supposed to happen. Unfortunately—we were one of the few that experience this type of pain and disappointment.
Our first reaction was anger, and we told FTIA that we were finished and wanted out. Being the caring professionals that they are, they allowed us to vent our anger and disappointment and then urged us to reconsider our decision. Of course, they were right! I think having Casey at home with us gave me the determination to go forward; after all, I knew that miracles really do happen!
Nothing more to do now—just wait for another referral—again, not so for us! Due to amount of time that had elapsed, the Vietnamese officials had us redo many of our documents (of course, they were the reason for the delay in the first place!) and then we could wait. At the end of June, once again Megan at FTIA was able to make the long-awaited phone call—this time we had been referred a little girl who had been born in May. A sister for Casey—how marvelous—although I was extremely dubious this time—and not counting on anything until I had permission to travel. Just a short wait, and there will be more news for you I was told—unfortunately the news was that the Vietnamese wanted more paperwork done again! After many tears and a lot of shouting at poor Megan, I decided that I wasn't going to let them break me—our little girl needed us and we WERE going to bring her home! So I scrambled and begged and prepared new paperwork in record time—and then received the privilege of waiting again. Our dossier was now fondly referred to as the "dossier from hell", and was a shining example of how you didn't want to have to complete a dossier!
This time the wait was short, and in September we were told that we would travel in October. Our little girl, who we would call Megan (after our angel at FTIA), would soon come home to meet her beautiful sister Casey and make our family complete! True to their words, we were given permission to travel in October and began the long journey to bring Megan home.
Once again we formed lifetime friendships with our group and facilitators in Vietnam and had an amazing trip. On the bus trip to the orphanage Rosemarie, our facilitator (and dear friend and hero now!) said to me "I know that this has been a painful journey for you, but just wait to you meet your little girl—she was definitely worth waiting for!". She couldn't have been more right—Megan is a happy, healthy, and beautiful baby. Although an orphan, she received loving care and nurturing from the orphanage staff and was thriving in their care. Developmentally and health wise, she was exactly where you would expect a baby of her age to be.
Upon our arrival home, our two little girls formed an instant relationship. I am still amazed how easy it was for the both of them to fall in love with each other. Watching them play together and laugh as they roll around the floor, gives us the greatest pleasure we could ever have imagined. Our children have filled our hearts and home like nothing or no one else ever could. Adoption, like childbirth, is a true privilege and miracle and I will be forever grateful that these two beautiful miracles have been bestowed on us!
Karen & Darren
Karen_Lawson@agl.aon.com
